a few things i've learned since you were born

dear jonah,as of today, you have been a part of this world for 13 weeks and 3 days. all things considered, that is a fairly short period of time. but if i've learned anything so far throughout this adventure, it is that time has taken on a completely new meaning. for instance, there are mornings that are so quiet, when the world is still fast asleep and the sun hasn't yet peeked its way over the horizon. when i'm sure that the only two people on the entire planet are you and me. in those moments, time seems to be suspended in a private cloud that is just for us..... then there are other times, when we are trying to scramble out the door on a busy sunday morning. when our "out the door checklist" includes repacking your bag, changing your clothes (for the 3rd time), feeding you....again, then finally changing my clothes and (maybe) slapping on some mascara before rushing out the door in a hurried frenzy. in those moments, i feel like i'm in a race against the ticking clock and somehow what was an hour has most certainly, magically transformed into 15 minutes.yes, being your mommy has taught me many new things so far. you are a wise little person and i'm quite sure that the coming days, months and years will open my world to countless revelations. the way my entire life has transformed has been truly amazing and unexpected. this transformation is one of my favorite things about being your mom. who would have ever known that you possess this magical ability in your tiny little frame?the following is a small collection of some of the new things i've learned so far in our journey together. some things are funny, some things are serious. but all of them, i assure you are true and i am super thankful to be experiencing all of these new changes with you. thank you little bear.xoxo, mommy1. accrued vacation time was made for extra songs - this one is a fairly new one. the first few weeks you were home, mornings were tough! they really took some adjusting (see number 2). but now, 13 weeks later, i am realizing that our mornings together are some of my favorite times of the day. you see, i had to leave you and go back to work when you were only 7 weeks old. that was an extremely hard time for me. it was so difficult to be away from you. i struggled during that time to find the silver lining. but, amazingly, after only a few days, i found one. you know what it was? it was my quiet, morning time with you. when we are alone together in the wee hours. it is during this time that i get the most heart-melting smiles from you. we nurse and we snuggle and we talk together. you sit with me on the couch, watching me sip coffee and brush my hair and put on my make-up. then, finally, right before i'm ready to head out the door, i bring you back into your room, i zip you into your woombie, turn on your twilight turtle and your lullaby music (currently rockabye baby: elton john) and we rock together in the rocking chair that your nana lovingly repainted for your room. we rock through one song, then the next and the next after that. i could get lost in this time. but there are some mornings, like this morning, when i'm running behind. i didn't get up as early, i forgot to wash bottles the night before, or you took a little longer to nurse then usual and my precious "song time" gets the shaft. i don't want to sacrifice this time. it's just too important to me to have this with you, to rock with you and breathe in your baby scent. that's when i realize it, yes, this is where i'm supposed to be. the work meeting can wait. the email can wait. the rush-hour drive can wait. because i have a more important task at hand and it is being here, rocking with you, listening to an extra song and being present in this all-too-temporary moment. and i am sure...this is what "vacation time" was made for.2. i can survive on surprisingly little sleep - i've never been a morning person. never. not ever. i've also never been a person who can function well with less than at least 8 hours of sleep. so it wasn't a huge surprise to me that overnight feedings and early mornings with you were a tough adjustment at first, for both your daddy and for me. admittedly, the first several days, after the adrenaline rush had worn off, were painful. not unlike other normal newborn babies, you were up every couple of hours. yes, you slept a lot, but you also ate a lot. your tiny tummy was getting used to having milk in it, you were getting used to life outside of the warm dark comfort of the womb. i used to imagine how traumatizing being born must have been for you. considering how fast it was for me (a very short 6 hours), the process of leaving the only environment you had known, to enter a bright, noisy, chilly world with new smells and sensations on your skin, must have been shocking (to say the least). so it was understandable that your first few weeks consisted of a lot of "getting used to things". i expected the adjustment to take months for both of us. but, surprisingly, we fell into pace with each other in just a few short weeks. what was painful at first, slowly melted away into a beautiful, "different" way of being. yes, sometimes the overnights are still tough, sometimes the some mornings seem to come earlier than others. but amazingly, these times that were once the most challenging for me, have become some of my most cherished with you (see number 1). and even more amazingly, after 13 weeks of getting anywhere between 4-7 hours of sleep a night, i'm still standing.3. my mom is awesome - having a baby changes a lot of things including the way that you see your own parents. you understand things about them that you never have before. in the case of your grandma, i see the love that she has for me reflected in the love that i have for you. i see the sacrifices she has made and the tears she has shed. i see instances from my childhood that i previously rolled my eyes at and understand them from an entirely new perspective. i want to tell her on a daily basis how amazing and beautiful i think she is. i want to thank her for countless experiences and memories that i have because of her. you won't understand this yet, but someday, when you have your own kids, you will. it is an amazing sensation, to "get" how much you are loved and to truly understand someone who would go to the ends of the earth to ensure your happiness and make certain you know how much you are valued.4. my dad is awesome - like your papa, i have to leave the house and you every morning and head off to work. i am the person in our family who brings in our income by working long days in an office. like him, i battle rush hour traffic both ways, 5 days a week, to ensure that we have the means to put food on the table and a roof over our head, to make sure that we have good health insurance if we get sick and to earn the extra money it takes to add to your college fund, faithfully, every month. there are many places that i'd rather be, believe me, and i don't do this to be thanked, or because i am in love with my job. i do this because i love you more than life and i love our family and i want us to be safe and comfortable and provided for, and that is what your papa has always done too. he has always looked after us and quietly supported from the side. i used to think that he wasn't "involved" in my life the way your nana always was. but it is only now that i see how involved he really is and always has been. i see it in your daddy's first, unsure steps into fatherhood, when he wasn't quite sure where his place was or how he fit into this equation that was "you and me". i see it in the way your daddy looks at you like you could truly walk on water if you wanted to. i see it in the tears that collected in your papa's eyes the day that we told him that you were coming. you see, those were nostalgic tears of joy and love and anticipation, for you, for me, for our family and for all the wonderful things he knew we would soon be experiencing together.5. my organs were underdeveloped - it's true. before you were born, i am certain that my organs were not yet fully grown. there have been so many times, for example, when i feel like i'm still learning to breathe. truly. i thought i had breathing figured out, but nope... my lungs must still be growing because, on more than one occasion, my breath has seemed to "catch" in my chest and i have to remind myself to inhale....exhale...... as if it's the very first time that i've ever done it. i believe the same must be going on with my heart. before you were born i was certain that my heart was fully grown, beating in my chest, reliably, tried and true. but again....nope. i know now that it was not yet fully grown at all. in fact, i am sure that they day you were born my heart grew another chamber entirely and has continued to grow every minute of everyday since. there are moments when i am positive it might grow right out of my chest, burst through my shirt, grow wings, and take flight... up, up, up and into the clouds. finally, i have also discovered that my nose, eyes and ears have changed as well. i don't believe, before you were born, that colors looked quite so vivid or that smells were quite as memorable or that the sound of laughter had the ability to completely warm my soul the way it does now. i feel like my entire world looks, feels, sounds and smells different, as if your arrival has brought a new growth and with it a new, keen awareness of the world that surrounds us. it. is. wonderful.6. memories can change - get ready for this one babe, because this is a whopper. who knew, that your mere, tiny existence had the power to not only grow organs, but to also change memories? it's incredible. i can recall some of my most favorite memories....summers at the lake, christmases with my cousins, the smell of chicken soup and fresh baked bread waiting for me when i got home from school, the first time i ever sang in front of an audience. all of these memories are wonderful because they are mine and they are a part of my history. so what changed when you were born? well, remember how i mentioned that my world looks and feels so completely different now? your arrival seemed to awaken a part of my heart that i think was asleep until i met you. because of that awakening i not only see my current world differently, i also see my past a little differently too.  my heart swells with pride for a nervous little girl who got up in front of an audience of other kids, parents and teachers to sing "the wind beneath my wings" in her 2nd grade talent show. my heart also breaks a little bit for a confused kindergartener who came home from school one day crying after a boy on the bus called her a racial slur. the smell of holiday cooking represents warm family traditions, faithfully and intentionally planned by your nana and papa. and the music of the beach boys takes me back to summers floating on the lake and the smell of sunscreen along with first bikinis and growing up to fast. you see, when i look back now, i still remember things as "kid jess", but now, i also recall things as "mama jess" too and how it will feel for me to someday see you grow up and make new memories of your own. i think back to these times now with a different set of lenses that include wonderful memories from my childhood and the bittersweet sensation of time going by much to quickly.7. lots of foods still taste good cold - this one's pretty simple. you, see, when you have a baby, sometimes you get to eat your food when it's piping hot and freshly made. but most of the time, it's as if said baby (you in this case) has an inner alarm clock that says, "hey, i think that i smell food being prepared, i'd better _______," (fill in the blank with things like: "poop my pants," "have a meltdown," "need to be held," "be hungry....again," etc.) subsequently, i have discovered that there are plenty of foods that are still tasty long after that "just cooked" time frame has long since past. i have now tried and enjoyed the following cold foods: pizza (this one i already knew from college), quiche, hotdish, scrambled eggs and bacon, coffee, macaroni and cheese, coffee, tacos, did i mention coffee??  ps: i do not recommend the following foods cold, they don't taste good: chinese food, fish and chips, soup, spaghetti.8. bodily fluids are not as gross as you think - gotta say, this one took me by surprise. historically, i have never been much of a "nursy type" gal. bodily fluids always gave me the heebie jeebies. i wasn't into taking care of sick people. frankly, the idea of wiping butts and noses with baby puke on my shirt was so icky to me that it made me question whether or not i was ready to be someones mommy. your daddy and i used to joke that he would probably end up being the diaper changer and vomit cleaner, because i'd be too much of a wuss to touch it.  lucky for me that he has over 11 years of nursing background! that is why i was so surprised at how naturally taking care of you came to me. the first time i got poop on my hand i barely even flinched. you peed on me and i was like, "hey, just another tuesday in the larson house." baby erp has kind of become a standard accessory on my clothing. and i actually get kind of excited when i can get a big, slimy, green booger out of your nose before you suck it back in. weird huh? i seriously cannot believe that i just magically grew out of my previous phobia. i really pondered this one day while i was on maternity leave. how can this be??? this is what i came up with.....bare with me. i made you. you hung out inside my body for 9 months. in fact some of your genetic material will continue to reside in my body forever. (cool huh??) i also make your food. seeing as though we've been lucky enough to breastfeed, your nourishment comes directly from my body. so, in a weird way, i think that i'm not grossed out by your "icky stuff" because in actuality, every part of you, was once a part of me. so it's kind of like my puke, my snot, my poop etc. etc. etc...... and also, i love you beyond anything that i could ever possibly imagine, so much in fact that i would probably wipe someone elses puke off of you without batting an eye, should that situation ever present itself....probably.9. the internet is terrifying and awesome - when you have a baby, the internet can be as terrifying as it is awesome. just know this. every time you have a simple question and you decide to ask the trusty google you may be barraged by a plethora of advice, scenarios, anecdotes and stories which can vary from the best case scenario to the absolute worst case scenario. some of the heartbreaking stories you will find can have the ability to make your unsettle your soul for weeks. everyone has an opinion and not everyone is nice about how they share that opinion. some people are down right defensive and rude. but one thing i have realized is, for the most part, all parents just to do the right thing and unless you are reading from an expert website (which can still have a wide array of variance) no one really knows what the heck they are doing, we're all just flying by the seats of our pants hoping that we are making the right choices and everyone is terrified that they will be "found out". the beautiful part is that because of this you will also stumble upon candid articles about parent struggles, blogs that will have you in tears when you are up for a feeding at 3 AM, other moms and dads who will celebrate your small triumphs with you (like the first time you slept for more than 3 hours at a time), other parents who need advice on something you may have just experienced. you will find laughter, you will find comfort and you will find community if you seek it out. yes, the internet can confirm every terrifying fear you have about being a parent, but it can also lift you up and connect you to humans in the most beautiful way that you never expected.10. my "best" can always get better - i remember a time not so long ago when i was working 3 part-time jobs, attending college full time, volunteering with a youth performing arts organization, and performing with a band on the weekends, all while keeping myself and my cat healthy and alive. believe me, at that time, that was a huge accomplishment. it was, at the time, my "best" and what i believed was the max that i could handle..... i was wrong. that time looks like small potatoes compared to feeding a baby, while emailing work, while hosting an online facebook party for my business, or pumping milk, while driving to a meeting, while on a conference call, or folding laundry, while making dinner, while rocking a baby in a floor seat with my foot. all of this while still working a full-time, demanding job, moving from our small house in minneapolis to a bigger house in hugo, welcoming my special-needs brother (your uncle) as a new member of our family, keeping (now) 2 cats and 2 dogs alive and helping daddy manage the normal everyday goings on of our household!! whew!! this mommy business really takes multitasking to a whole new level! now, when i think i'm giving something the "best" i've got and that i can't possibly give more, that i'm at the very tippy-top of what is the "best" i can do.....i know better. on the flip side of this, i also remember the day that i graduated from high school, the day that i graduated from college, the day that your daddy proposed, the day that i married your daddy, the day that we bought our first house, the day that i got to perform for the troops in kuwait, the day that i found out i was pregnant with you. all of these days marked one of, what i thought at the time, was the "best day ever". and still, my "best" just keeps getting better. the day you were born my "best" got better, the day you first really saw me my "best" got better, the day you first slept through the night my "best" got better, the day you first smiled at me my "best" got better. last week, you laughed for the first time and i had no idea before that moment, how much better my "best" could possibly get. everything that i thought i knew before now about what it meant to be the best, feel the best, give the best has been proven wrong. being your mommy has been the most amazing and difficult and intense and accomplished and wonderful experience of my life. you make me feel and believe things about myself that i have never thought possible. i absolutely cannot wait to see what the future holds for us and baby, i've never, ever, ever been more happy to be wrong.