A Game We Cannot Lose
I got a sign from the Universe today. We are all friends here right? Can be completely honest? I have been circling the fear drain hard over the last few days. Summer is coming to a close. Our target date of heading out west is coming up. When we came back to MN, we came back with the intention of working, living on the cheap, saving money, building our businesses, and feeling ready to get back out on the road.
What really happened is, yes we worked, but we also relaxed, we ideated about our businesses, we loved up our kiddo, we connected with family, we laughed with friends, we had brunch, and farmers market mornings, and book reading afternoons, and fishing dates, and coffee dates, and sunsets, and BBQs. We had a WONDERFUL summer. It was bliss.
And….
Our financial situation didn’t really improve over the summer. If anything it completely stagnated or even got a little worse. Not exactly where you want to be sitting when you decide to drive across the country again.
So, of course, my fear kicked it into high gear. “What are we doing?” “We wanted to live in an RV?” “We thought we could be completely loc. independent?” “What are we doing to ourselves?” “What are we doing to our kid?”
I spent the better part of the weekend in my pjs, looking at apartments, and trying to create a game plan if we didn’t leave, but stayed in MN. I tried to imagine what that shift would feel like. How it would look. How I might feel in an apartment. Waking up there. Going home there. I pictured how I'd decorate it. And it felt awful. Wrong.
I mentally prepared myself to grieve a loss of a life I imagined, I dreamed, I lived, I told other people about. Have I been an imposter this whole time? It felt like a tremendous failure. A deep sadness.
So, I went outside. I looked up at the sky. And I asked the Universe to send me some guidance. What should we do? I asked the Universe to send clarity. And while it’s at it, a little money would be great too. (Yes, I stood outside and spoke to the sky like a crazy person, in my parent's driveway. Feel free to picture this.)
And the clarity came. Last night. Like a bolt of lightning. I just knew. Come hell or high water, we had to leave as planned. It was not in the cards for us to stay. It was not in the cards for us to settle for some dumb apartment in the suburbs. That just might be our future eventually, but not yet. We aren't ready. This isn’t over. We aren’t done.
I spoke these words aloud to Chris after we put Jonah to sleep and he was with me. We aren’t done. We have some hustling to do over the next two months, but we aren’t done.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. I’m on a phone call with my Site Metropolis team and Debbie’s first message to us is this perfect, exquisite quote from Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I know I've said it here before, and I'll say it over and over again... Fear is the thief of dreams.There is no way for us to know how it will all work out. I can't know what the twists and turns will look like or even what decisions we'll make when we get there. That's the beauty and curse of being human. Not knowing. Allowing the unfolding. Trusting that it will be exact and perfect and what is needed.I can't pull from the future, because I can't see it yet. I can only pull from what feels right based on what I've experienced in the past. And I tell you guys, at the moment when I needed clarity the most, the memory – just like a movie – that flashed into my mind was the day I had to leave Jonah to go back to work.7 weeks postpartum, and I had run out of the measly "maternity leave" that I had saved up at my job. I would have killed to have been able to be with him for just a few more weeks. To make it to the 12 that I've been socially trained to believe was, at minimum, what new moms in America deserve. We had the money. We could have pulled from our savings. I could have stayed home unpaid, for another 5 weeks.But the fear...So, I didn't...I can't get that time back. It's one of my biggest regrets.So, what does that tell me? How does that inform today?What it tells me is that we will work it out. Again, I don't know how yet. But we will. And I am certain that we are making the right choice. Because Jonah will be starting Kindergarten in a couple of years. Because all of this, the leaving a job that didn't fulfill me, the building a business that I love from home, the shaking to the core of our most foundational beliefs about what happiness "is supposed to" look like, the travel, the living our truest, most honest, most aligned lives...All of this has always, always been because he lit that spark. He broke something open that refused to accept a lukewarm life. That refused to say yes to anything that doesn't feel like a resounding, "HELL YES!" And I don't want him to live in a world where it has to be any other way.We are creating the vessel called "normal" that he will navigate this life in. And we have a mind for adventure. We have a mind for togetherness, and connection, and learning, and growing.We had so many other reasons to do this in the first place. And the biggest was time with him. Right now. This version. Who will be gone in a year.So, we're taking the leap. And I'm a little freaked out. But, I know that it will all work out because this life is constantly working for us. Good or bad, it's exactly how it's all supposed to happen. I will grow as a human exactly how I'm supposed to. I will do a lot of things that look like scaling mountains. I will do a lot of things that look like digging my own grave. And it's perfect. Because it's 100% correct.In the words of my dear friend Nova Wightman: "This is a game we cannot lose."